~

"Play blank white page! Blank white page!"

A tired, scratchy voice propelled behind me, into my ears.

My beer-battered feet--from my resistance of wearing shoes--shifted as the herd of people flocked closer to the clear sound of instruments produced by their artist. Many in this miniature venue, were ambitious in their attempt to meet the foot of the stage. 

The strum.. The blow.. The notes. 

A new song began to breathe. Although it was not a song of adolescence, everyone found it necessary to encourage the lyrics as they sang along. And from this the song grew strong, although dependent. 

My eyes strayed from the cello and its player, as I met the immediate environment and its beings. 

Sounds and lyrics, often understood, continued. 

Yet hands were raised.

Accompanied by shut eyes. 

These were not mere musicians, but gods (to some). 

While there are those (& perhaps the majority) who would claim otherwise, there are those who would be willing to debate. 

We are an adulterous people. 

I have a friend who speaks a lot; but when they do, I am eager to hear what they have to say. And this reminds me of what they once said to me:

If humanity were to follow the first commandment, God would not need to provide much more than that. 

_"you shall have no other gods before Me." 

 Man is incapable of doing this. 

Whether the circumstance be----the fall of Adam & Eve, gluttony, envy, cheating... We are at fault. 

For the placement of ourselves, power, or attention (etc.) overrule the possibility of the virtues of God. 

Sometime ago, I heard/read/possibly imagined this quote:

When we are not content with what has been given to us, we are saying 'God is not enough.'

Ai-yai-yai. 

How often I seek for brief summarized satisfaction, as I neglect the entire, eternal works that He offers. 

God is enough. 

Just

Be still.. and know that He is God.

---and do something about it.

_Exodus 20:3 

will yours' be

a Home, bombarded with walls of the dusty, often enjoyed writings of the obscure and distinguished..or.. a House, that though it is charmingly approachable, contains piles of wooden frames, filled with frozen memorable adventures that continue to reproduce, as they wait patiently to befriend the naked walls? Or, is a balance of the two possible for you; and what would it be, a Home or a House?

stationary

Lately, I've noticed how our domestic society dwells: in a self-inflicted cage.
A large part of our time is kept indoors--especially our own.
I don't like it at all. 

back to reality

Being a pessimist has its ups, because it falls to me being right. Yet there is some optimism in that.

by the lake journal entry

15 July 2011

This world is a cage. Not only containing those who are Christians (true believers, Jesus-freaks, etc.) from eternal living among the dead prophets and disciples of the Savior's time on earth, but the nature surrounding our humanity. As man cries for pain to end, the seas crash, and the wind torments the trees and creature within and around them, forcing some to bow. If there are such characters of life as the waters and trees where my God (the God) dwells among the forgiven and saved... what an image they must be. For I am now lost in gratitude in this enjoyment of such beauty of creation----where presently, evil seems absent. At the moment, this thought that evil being departed and separate from where I sit has allowed an attempt to measure God's brilliance. But that is a silly venture for anyone to attempt to understand, and this understanding of this incapability further allows me to recognize the Lord's glory and majesty. Yet now (as moments and time has continued), I feel discomfort, as the chill of winds whip through. Such a simple action that occurs often in everyone's life----if not chilly winds, the earnest heat that our skin so fluently absorbs from the sun, or the abundance of rain and snow that buries and drowns both the animate and the inanimate beings. This is not where I belong ~ nor do many others----at least not for forever. But we are here. And with this current setting that I survive with much assistance from my Father, in situations in which I decline and fail, I recognize my captivity and need for this Savior of mine.

I Desire This Perspective

Following my first experience at a conference (Resolved) held in a setting of isolation and the weary, and while encompassed within the support of thousands of fellow lovers of Christ, led by humbled speakers, and wonderful worship... I am continuing to realize the wasted life I used to orchestrate.
So often I would act upon the cliche that this is "Heaven on Earth". I would dwell in this idea without noticing it, leading to my unattainable expectations which concluded with a low set of confidence and often laziness. This life I beheld was one only directed for myself, glossing---or being ignorant of how I must have been saddening my Father with this dead life of mine. These expectations I produced and fastened myself to, were not so much ignoring the will of God, but limiting what I did not understand, though I had convinced myself that I truly did. Such concerns as marriage--my husband would be a wonderfully godly man, putting God before me; he would enjoy outdoor activities often-& not be too shabby at them; the man would be dashing and attractive, and he too would desire to be on the mission field. The other constant topic of my ideals was the one of where I would be sent if I were to depart for the mission grounds--I enjoyed the idea (and still do, but with some additions of every possibility) that God would send me to a place that the idea of it didn't frighten me. Possibly Brazil (any of S. America), China (nearly all of Asia), Indonesia (east islands), Africa, and so on. Yet the possibility of two places that made me anxious the most were the Middle East and India. While both cultures interest me BY FAR... I didn't believe I could ever truly be comfortable there.
HA.
Oh, discomfort... this is what I now have been inviting and for myself. One of my most fond books of the Bible, Philippians-a constant read of mine, has benefited me in this, while in the past I glazed over such truth that has strengthened me. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication  with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6,7).
So, I am no longer striving to create this heavenly lifestyle in this decaying, sinful world. But I am constantly being made new through my reading, tiresome experience, and encouraging friends.
An example of this reading comes from a letter from Mary Love, who was writing to her husband who was to be executed the following day while she was pregnant (eight-months along) with their third child. Her interpretation of the action that would follow that next day is one that has made my desire for Heaven now a longing.. yet while I wait, I shall continue to experience trial and walk in a manner that pleases the Lord.
---Here is the letter


July 14, 1651

Before I write a word further, I beseech thee to think not that it is thy wife but a friend now that writes to thee. I hope thou hast freely given up thy wife and children to God, who hath said in Jeremiah 49:11, “Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widow trust in me.” Thy Maker will be my husband, and a Father to thy children. O that the Lord would keep thee from having one troubled thought for thy relations. I desire freely to give thee up into thy Father’s hands, and not only look upon it as a crown of glory for thee to die for Christ, but as an honor to me that I should have a husband to leave for Christ.
I dare not speak to thee, nor have a thought within my own heart of my own unspeakable loss, but wholly keep my eye fixed upon thy inexpressible and inconceivable gain. Thou leavest but a sinful, mortal wife to be everlastingly married to the Lord of glory. Thou leavest but children, brothers, and sisters to go to the Lord Jesus, thy eldest Brother. Thou leavest friends on earth to go to the enjoyment of saints and angels, and the spirits of just men made perfect in glory. Thou dost but leave earth for heaven and changest a prison for a palace. And if natural affections should begin to arise, I hope that the spirit of grace that is within thee will quell them, knowing that all things here below are but dung and dross in comparison of those things that are above. I know thou keepest thine eye fixed on the hope of glory, which makes thy feet trample on the loss of earth.
My dear, I know God hath not only prepared glory for thee, and thee for it, but I am persuaded that He will sweeten the way for thee to come to the enjoyment of it. When thou art putting thy clothes on that morning, O think, “I am now putting on my wedding garments to go to be married to my everlasting Redeemer.”
When the messenger of death comes to thee, let him not seem dreadful to thee, but look on him as a messenger that brings thee tidings of eternal life. When thou goest up the scaffold, think (as thou saidst to me) that it is but thy fiery chariot to carry thee up to thy Father’s house.
And when thy layest thy precious head down to recieve thy Father’s stroke, remember what thou saidst to me: Though thy head was severed from thy body, yet in a moment thy soul should be united to thy Head, the Lord Jesus, in heaven. And though it may seem something bitter, that by the hands of men we are parted a little sooner than otherwise we might have been, yet let us consider that it is the decree and will of our Father, and it will not be long ere we shall enjoy one another in heaven again.
Let us comfort one another with these sayings. Be comforted, my dear heart. It is but a little stroke and thou shalt be there where the weary shall be at rest and the wicked shall cease from troubling. Remember that thou mayest eat thy dinner with bitter herbs, yet thou shalt have a sweet supper with Christ that night. My dear, by what I write unto thee, I do not hereby undertake to teach thee; for these comforts I have received from the Lord by thee. I will write no more, nor trouble thee any further, but commit thee into the arms of God with whom ere long thee and I shall be.
Farewell, my dear. I shall never see thy face more till we both behold the face of the Lord Jesus at that great day.
~Mary Love

I thank God for this dreadful world, where it only enlarges God's sovereignty and His glory.

I'm so very thankful, and stoked for the challenges ahead.
& that's all I have to say about that.
~

humility

whenever I reflect on humility I find myself contradicting my hopes or beliefs
... 
for  I see it as,
in order for one to be humble, they cannot know it.
because this manner is not one that is to be recognized in oneself, and yet still lived. 
in order for humility to be, it must be God's shadow in you.

how silly of me

why is it, that one’s absence is replaced with them being objectified?
for now, all I recognize or see of him is his bloody taunting car.
although, this loss has me inviting Him into my life so much more—& i gain hope.

'oly wow

While listening to songs, reflecting on past experiences, and reading scripture, I find myself directly facing the truth that God's love IS never ending. 

Recently, I've been rather consumed in John Mark McMillan's song, "How He Loves Us"; and today I watched a video presenting the meaning behind it. McMillan spoke of the time several years previous, that one of his dearest friends was killed from a car accident.. and how he had this continuous anger and pain following that--through his lyrics he portrays a conversation between himself and the Lord. What I enjoyed the most was how he specified the love he presents in the song: one that remains through anger, and resentment. I've heard of a love like this from a sermon by Matt Chandler..one that amidst mass chaos fighting and conflict, and the throwing of china about at one another, both parties realize that the other person is who they want to fight and disagree with for the rest of their life. And it isn't that we are to disagree with God or fight with Him, but that when we do, His love does not alter (not one tid bit).

The passage that portrays this adoration and commitment most thoroughly, would be in Romans eight, thirty-eight to thirty-nine~  

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

bah!! Romans seven and eight are just fantastic. 

I am eternally blessed.

Unnecessary Visits

 "God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." ~C.S. Lewis

E'er since I was a wee thing of a child, I was encouraged and taught that I had no reason to fear.

The verse found in Joshua (book of the Bible) that was played into songs, in hopes of to depict and educate myself--and the other children around me--that we are to be "strong & courageous". Although : when you are a restless, obnoxious child who is challenged in maintaining a defined concentration, this possible-benefiting song turns the atmosphere into one of dancing about, and the competitive heights in volume of children singing.

& the purpose of the song would go neglected, but O did we twirl to the tunes.

For some reason, I sometimes mention the topic of fear, and the possibilities of such a subject.

Other than the rare discussions of terror, I didn't contemplate the topic specifically;

Scenarios were ventured in my head, but never to the point of great fright.

But then, I’m not the most decisive person. & so

if I were to convince myself, I would have a hard time believing it.

While reading a woman's blog, whom I greatly respect, she wrote of this subject; but

More-so on the sense of comfort that she had recently experienced.

She had found this comfort in her new neighborhood, after escaping one of obscure clamor.

As she continued on, she related this comfort to how it is a gift from the Lord,

& how she needs not to fear, because God has her right where He desires her.

So, basically, this is how it goes down:

Dear Troubled,

hakuna matata!

Peace,

-God.

The concept of God having us according to His plan seems like an easy concept, but

I would only apply that in the sense of trust, whether I contained or lacked fear.

But now as fear seems to be a visitor, I have been learning that

“tis all good.”

& it really is.

“but whoever listens to me will dwell secure

and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.”

-Proverbs one : thirty-three

--anna louise

Unstrained Praise

All my life I’ve been surrounded by a church atmosphere of conservative, mellow-like culture—to be said in the exposure of worship and submission to the Truth as a believer, in the Trinity and Jesus’ coming to take the perfect wrath of God upon Himself. Although, as I have been introduced to different styles of worship—particularly in singing joyous praises to the Lord, and the act of surrendering oneself to Him—I look back on how I have previously adored my father in song and praise and to His truth, and I feel as if I have been almost restricted in presenting my true satisfaction to the Lord.

The experience and lifestyle my church has provided for me, is one that I really have and do enjoy in celebrating the Lord and His grace and sacrifice. It truly merely has me curious in looking over the different styles of how churches worship: hand raising, closed eyes, fallen to the knees, dancing about, a little to-&-fro sway, clap of the hands, etc. And even more so, which is “acceptable”.

My family church has experienced multiple transformations in its style, and it’s really neat to see where it has taken it now. I can assume that it began with the lovely written hymn songs that are often, sometimes at most, accompanied by piano keys. Eventually it translated to the contemporary manner, with the supply of acoustic guitar, possibly a bass and so on. An amused time, as well as it being a victorious one, was when we dragged in the drums; like one picking the weeks ice cream flavor for the family, only this is a new one, and hopefully everyone will enjoy it (not saying the worshipping the Almighty and the enjoyment of ice cream are at all equal… not at all!). The test of drums were mostly thoroughly welcomed by the young adults, teens, youth, and those old folk who don’t realize it…while others were hesitant to this new addition. Yet now, we do indeed have drums, and they are lovely and loud, and not at all ludicrous. But my focus is not the drums, the electric guitar, the harmonica, the banjo, no, no! It is the act of worship, and how we can do it in ANY atmosphere.

Often, my mother and I discuss songs that are to glorify the Lord, and how we find them quite distracting and almost annoying… which, at times, is followed by the power button. Although disobedient and the (and I’m sure) embarrassing child that I may be, I have always enjoyed my mom’s intellect of praising the Lord-à no matter: the people about you, the dis-functioning instruments, the time of day, or the circumstance,  you are bloody worshipping the Lord! So disregard all those distractions, (who cares!!) and give yourself to the Lord!

There is a wonderful song (by the super band, Gungor) called “God is Not a White Man”, and a few lines that I enjoy ~

 “God cannot be bought

God will not be boxed in

God will not be owned by religion”

~

These lines, though simple, really allow me to put into other words in how God is not One who we can (or should) manipulate so that we can worship Thee as we like or prefer for our enjoyment or better feeling. Because truly, God was not made for us, we were made for Him—for the purpose of glorifying Him, and He deserves this (& SO much more).

This past Sunday, a few buckaroo pals of mine and myself ventured off to a church that we have been visiting (at its evening service), and the worship that night seemed so real to me. It was the first one at that church that had been flowing with distractions and cries and teeter-tottering movement that could have me amused, but God allowed me focus on Him—I’m terrible at concentrating on one thing at a time, but God made this easy for me that night. When I first heard someone cry out in reply to praising God, I was somewhat alarmed, like “really? How old are we here”, but then I recalled that this may merely be their act of praise to the Lord, and the culture of the room was a pleasant one. It wasn’t strained (which is not at all something I disregard, but this experience of variety was fresh to me), but so real—with the multiple hands raised, movement of the body, and the loud voices worshiping the Lord… truly great.

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to be on my youth group’s worship team, which can really distract me from genuine worship at times. Tis rather pressure-ful in trying to “sound good” or harmonize, hit the melody, or whatever else I am uneducated in. Throughout worship time, I need to remind myself that I don’t need to worry about sounding peachy or horrible, because it ain’t about me, but about Him (and God will use my time to benefit Him, and hopefully not distract others).

My hope is that others will realize this about worship. That is not about them or where you are at, and what instruments are being played…but about Him. Just Him.  

G'night world.

--anna

p.s. continually praying for my grandparents who lack understanding and believing and living the Truth of life. If you could, please be asking the Lord for His guidance for them (as well as for fellow believers guidance).

farewell!!